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Thursday, May 26, 2016

Reasons I Started and Quit Online Dating

After being separated for over a year and now divorced, I've done a lot of thinking about re-entering the dating world. Back in April, I bought a Match.com 3-month membership on Groupon and started filling out my profile and reaching out to men I thought sounded interesting. To better understand why I started and subsequently quit online dating, we should start at the beginning.

Young Amber

Although I had a few boyfriends when I was younger and met 2 people online prior to meeting my ex-husband, I never really dated. Most of the boys (and yes they were boys at the time!) I went out with were young, as was I, so relationships were volatile or casual.

Then I met my ex and was married at 23... which is too damn young if you ask me. I know you didn't so we'll move on. I was married for 7 years with no real thought on what it would be like to be single again.

All this puts me a place in my life where I want to meet people, have fun, and maybe have a new relationship. However, I am still recovering from my marriage, separation, and divorce. It's been over a year since we separated so I am doing well, but I'm still angry, sad, and hurt.

I am learning more about my single-self every day and trying to be comfortable with who I am (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I want to be confident in myself when I meet someone else, so I don't lose "me" in a relationship.

When is it OK to start dating again?

To be honest, I googled this! I know, nerdy/weird/crazy... I had wanted to see how long other people were waiting until after they were separated or divorced to get back out there again. And there was no consensus, we are all different after all with different relationships. Some people jumped right into new relationships (not my cup of tea) while another woman recommended waiting for 2 years. Although I can see the benefit in waiting that long so you can truly heal, learn how to be single, and become more clear on who you want to be dating; I also felt that if I waited that long I would become so comfortable with being alone that it would be too hard to fit someone new into my life. 

So for me the answer was to start now at about a year. Although, I wasn't sure I was 100% ready. I wanted to see what was out there, and what it would be like to talk to men as a single lady again.

Let's Do This!

Back in my day (yes I said it, I'm old... ok?) I met people at school or work or through friends. I've found it's much harder to meet people as an adult, at least in the "real world". So I looked into online dating. I had just touched into this before I was married and didn't have the best experiences so I was and am nervous about this whole idea of talking to and possibly meeting someone I don't know.

But I signed up for Match.com to dip my toes in.

There are also options like Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, and many, many more. I went with Match because I was thinking  people who paid may be more serious and not so creepy.

The Online World

Wow, just wow! When I first started I got lots of comments ranging from "How are you today" to "Hey baby, you're gorgeous let's meet!".  Let me just say, "Whoa there Tex, too much!". I was completely overwhelmed, there were so many men to read about then to decide if I wanted to talk to. It was awkward to say the least. And I HATE awkwardness!

Also being in Colorado meant that most of the men were either; outdoorsy (which I am not), pot smokers (no thank you!), too young, or too pushy!

But I kept on chugging and started talking to a guy who seemed nice. Then after a few days he "ghosted" as they say in the online dating world. He disappeared so I reached out to another guy... and so on and so on.

I did talk to a few nice guys who I was interested in, but then the inevitable, they would want to meet. This is when I had a few minor freak outs and ended up cancelling on people. Again it was the sheer awkwardness of it all that scared me.

What would I wear? What would I say? Would they be disappointed? Would I be disappointed? Were my pictures a true representation of me?

The End...

All these thoughts running through my head and it was just too much. I decided if I was this nervous and uncomfortable, maybe I wasn't ready after all.

I felt that if I was constantly looking at my phone and wondering, "Does this guy like me?", "Should I say I'm outdoorsy?", "Do I sound interesting enought?" that I wasn't being true to me. I am a strong woman and want a relationship with someone who embraces that.

And all this waiting on a guy to message me or second-guessing my value wasn't good.

I decided to take a break until I'm truly ready to put myself out there as myself. I changed a lot for my marriage and it didn't end with me feeling great about myself. So now I'm focused on me!

Maybe?

I'm sure I'll try online dating again. But next time I will be myself, the strong-willed, smart, awkward woman I know I am.

Join the Conversation

Do you have any online dating tips or stories? Any general dating advice? Or any questions about returning to dating? Put them below in the comments.

4 comments:

  1. so this will probably sound weird to an outsider BUT I am in a long term relationship (5+ years) and have had an okcupid account for much of it. I made it one day with friends for fun and my boyfriend has always not cared that I have it. Let me tell you how eye opening it is to use when I'm not looking. It amazes me the things people will send to a STRANGER. It's easy to be honest (with myself and them) because since I'm not looking, I'm not lowering my standards or being a little desperate. Which I tend to do when single! So it's a really great learning experience so hopefully when I might have to use online dating in the future, hopefully I can remember what I've learned lol Good luck I can say the dating world is in a sorry place these days haha so don't forget what you deserve!!

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  2. I have never been married but I got out of a long term relationship not too long ago. We were together for over 4 years and even lived together. I haven't tried online dating because I have no interest in dating period, but I feel completely touched by this post. It's completely terrifying going back into the dating world after so long. I hadn't been single for this long in years (probably since I was 17). Like you said, it ends up being a real eye opener. I've done a lot of soul searching in general and have gained a lot of perspective on many things. I wish you the best of luck with everything! This is a great time to really forge yourself so you will not settle for anyone and no one will sway you from who you are.
    And you don't look a day over 24. Honestly, I thought you were my age when I was browsing your posts!!

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    1. It's great to know that others are going thru similar experiences and that we can support one another. Thank you for the kind words and good luck to you as well!

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