Thursday Thoughts: Am I apologizing for who I am?

Do I apologize too much? Am I apologizing for the things I do that make me who I am?

These questions have meandered in and out of my consciousness for years. They coming like a raging river full of questions, second guesses, doubt, and guilt. Then the river calms to a trickle and leaves as it came only to return another day with another "I'm Sorry".

I recently read an article at Refinery29 (see below) that brought up these feelings for me again, so I thought I'd share my thoughts here.

I'm Sorry

Whenever I almost bump into someone, make a mistake, think someone might take something too hard, I'm interrupting (or think I am), bothering, or asking something of someone I start with "I'm Sorry". Sometimes the person almost runs into me, or I show up to a planned meeting, or whatever but the words are so ingrained to me that they are blurted out before I have time to think. Why am I constantly apologizing?

Just and Just Joking

Then there are the times when I apologize for/retract something I've said with a "just joking" or ask for something with a "just". For example I'll say "I'd love a raise, just joking" or "I'm just asking for a minute. But you know what I do want a raise and I can ask for a damn minute. It's almost as if I don't feel I can want something or ask for things, why is that? I usually feel that I'm a capable, confident woman; so why can't I say these things up front without hesitation?

I know there's more questions in here than answers but that's what I'm thinking about now. I am trying to understand why I feel the need to censor myself and seem so unimposing or authoritative. But I am a woman in the 21st Century in a professional career... I need some authority, don't I?

I came across and read the article Don't Apologize - Saying Sorry at Work on Refinery29.com and found it very interesting and a thought provoking read.

In the article I read that the women interviewed were apologizing when they "felt uncomfortable asserting their authority". I know this brings up all kinds of feminist questions like, why should women feeling uncomfortable with their their authority and apologize for acting in a way many of us need to.

I like to think of myself as a strong, independent, take no bull-shit kind of woman, but when I make so many apologies for myself is that what I'm portraying.

One very interesting part of this article which I appreciated was a side of the argument I haven't heard before. They state that a reason women may be more prone to apologizing is because of empathy. So as women, we think about others' feelings when we interrupt them, bump into them, or are just plain awkward.

I do like the idea that this seemingly feminine trait isn't some fatal flaw that we all must eliminate immediately. I do think I need to watch those things that I do apologize for though, because like it or not women are often judged by a male view of professionalism and authority in the workplace. So my over-apologizing may not give me the portrayal of authority. But I will also recognize that it is my "I'm sorrys" that show the empathetic woman that I am and that's just as much me as the authoritarian portion.

I know this had more questions than answers and some distinct views, but these are my thoughts for this Thursday!

Amber But Better