After being separated for over a year and now divorced, I've done a lot of thinking about re-entering the dating world. Back in April, I bought a Match.com 3-month membership on Groupon and started filling out my profile and reaching out to men I thought sounded interesting. To better understand why I started and subsequently quit online dating, we should start at the beginning.
Young Amber
Although I had a few boyfriends when I was younger and met 2 people online prior to meeting my ex-husband, I never really dated. Most of the boys (and yes they were boys at the time!) I went out with were young, as was I, so relationships were volatile or casual.
Then I met my ex and was married at 23... which is too damn young if you ask me. I know you didn't so we'll move on. I was married for 7 years with no real thought on what it would be like to be single again.
All this puts me a place in my life where I want to meet people, have fun, and maybe have a new relationship. However, I am still recovering from my marriage, separation, and divorce. It's been over a year since we separated so I am doing well, but I'm still angry, sad, and hurt.
I am learning more about my single-self every day and trying to be comfortable with who I am (physically, mentally, and emotionally). I want to be confident in myself when I meet someone else, so I don't lose "me" in a relationship.
When is it OK to start dating again?
To be honest, I googled this! I know, nerdy/weird/crazy... I had wanted to see how long other people were waiting until after they were separated or divorced to get back out there again. And there was no consensus, we are all different after all with different relationships. Some people jumped right into new relationships (not my cup of tea) while another woman recommended waiting for 2 years. Although I can see the benefit in waiting that long so you can truly heal, learn how to be single, and become more clear on who you want to be dating; I also felt that if I waited that long I would become so comfortable with being alone that it would be too hard to fit someone new into my life.
So for me the answer was to start now at about a year. Although, I wasn't sure I was 100% ready. I wanted to see what was out there, and what it would be like to talk to men as a single lady again.
Let's Do This!
Back in my day (yes I said it, I'm old... ok?) I met people at school or work or through friends. I've found it's much harder to meet people as an adult, at least in the "real world". So I looked into online dating. I had just touched into this before I was married and didn't have the best experiences so I was and am nervous about this whole idea of talking to and possibly meeting someone I don't know.
But I signed up for Match.com to dip my toes in.
There are also options like Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, and many, many more. I went with Match because I was thinking people who paid may be more serious and not so creepy.
The Online World
Wow, just wow! When I first started I got lots of comments ranging from "How are you today" to "Hey baby, you're gorgeous let's meet!". Let me just say, "Whoa there Tex, too much!". I was completely overwhelmed, there were so many men to read about then to decide if I wanted to talk to. It was awkward to say the least. And I HATE awkwardness!
Also being in Colorado meant that most of the men were either; outdoorsy (which I am not), pot smokers (no thank you!), too young, or too pushy!
But I kept on chugging and started talking to a guy who seemed nice. Then after a few days he "ghosted" as they say in the online dating world. He disappeared so I reached out to another guy... and so on and so on.
I did talk to a few nice guys who I was interested in, but then the inevitable, they would want to meet. This is when I had a few minor freak outs and ended up cancelling on people. Again it was the sheer awkwardness of it all that scared me.
What would I wear? What would I say? Would they be disappointed? Would I be disappointed? Were my pictures a true representation of me?
The End...
All these thoughts running through my head and it was just too much. I decided if I was this nervous and uncomfortable, maybe I wasn't ready after all.
I felt that if I was constantly looking at my phone and wondering, "Does this guy like me?", "Should I say I'm outdoorsy?", "Do I sound interesting enought?" that I wasn't being true to me. I am a strong woman and want a relationship with someone who embraces that.
And all this waiting on a guy to message me or second-guessing my value wasn't good.
I decided to take a break until I'm truly ready to put myself out there as myself. I changed a lot for my marriage and it didn't end with me feeling great about myself. So now I'm focused on me!
Maybe?
I'm sure I'll try online dating again. But next time I will be myself, the strong-willed, smart, awkward woman I know I am.
Join the Conversation
Do you have any online dating tips or stories? Any general dating advice? Or any questions about returning to dating? Put them below in the comments.
